For the first time in a long time I don’t look back on the past with regret or sadness. I love my life and everything that has brought me to this point. I’ve learned to live in the here and now. Not the past. Not the future. It is wonderful. “Look for yourself & you will find loneliness & despair. But look for Christ & you will find Him & everything else”-C.S. Lewis

Tonight I met a friend for dinner. This was the first time we had any communication beyond “happy birthday” or “congratulations” in over a year. I cannot exactly say that we had a falling out that led to no communication but I also cannot honestly say that we just lost touch either. There were certainly a few things that happened that were just not addressed. She and I both chose to just not say anything for fear of confrontation, awkwardness or heaven forbid admitting we had acted wrong in some way. After talking over dinner for two hours and realizing I missed out on a lot of exciting moments in her life, I see how stupid that was. Life hurts sometimes and there are moments when we have to be uncomfortable and admit that the reality of life is people hurt us. Or we hurt other people. Owning up to this truth is undoubtedly better than just tossing relationships to the wind and saying….well that got uncomfortable-Let’s go find a friend who I am never going to have any issues with. That is never going to be the case. As happy as I am to have had the chance to reconnect with this friend, I am so disappointed it got to that point. I feel like we both lost some really important moments with one another and it is, at least in part, my own fault. I hope in the future I can just open up and be honest about when I am hurt or something is wrong rather than just walking away. People are worth making an effort.

I have not sat down and posted anything in a long while. Things have been busy-as always. These posts are almost like a serious letter or a “dtr” conversation if you will…….not something you want to rush. I always want to just take a day to sit, drink coffee, and write about all the topics that run though my head throughout the week. But let’s face it. Coffee shops are always too loud and I am continually doing something besides just sorting thoughts. Even now I am not doing what I should be for school.

But, I felt the need to take a moment and, very generally, put down what I have been thinking through the past few days.

Emotions have to be one of the most infuriating things in the world. Even the good ones. My beef with them is the lack of control that I have. Or so I think. I know that I can control my thoughts and my attitude about things. But emotions are those instant “knee jerk” reactions we have without trying. Before reason and rational take hold. They are fleeting and unpredictable. Lately, I have just been angry. At the drop of a hat. Not usually at any one person. Just suddenly very not happy. I find plenty of reasons to be. Like my apartment complex not fixing my dishwasher. For over a week. Or. Finding out someone backed into my car then drove off by discovering the scratches on my bumper.The list could go on. The point is-that stuff is just life. My dad always used to say that and it would infuriate me. But it’s true. Life can be infuriating.

Regardless of the reason-I’ve been convicted of being far too absorbed in whatever I am feeling. Gah-typing such a girly cliche thing makes the tom boy I’ve always been want to climb a tree and burn all things pink. But the fact of the matter is- I am a girl. Yes, indeed-I have the proof. And this comes with the territory. The point is-just like man, woman, girl, boy, and all you shims out there, I have self control and the ability to reign in my ridiculousness. So check up on me. When you see me-if I look like I am having a pity party or want to set the city of Clarksville at large on fire, punch me in the face. Don’t ask me how I am. Just do it. I give you permission. One way or another-I am going to stop being so emotionally driven and get back to my logical sane self that I have been missing.